TL;DR
Success isn’t exactly easy to come by yet we spend our whole lives pining for it. And we are not left with much of a choice; the alternative means leaving the outcome of our lives to chance, which could get ugly quickly. It’s bad enough that so much of our lives are defined by factors beyond our control; it only makes sense that we do as much as we can to ensure our happiness.
Growing up, I lived in the constant fear of failing. This was following an incident where I was flogged for coming in 3rd in the entire class. Everyone I knew expected academic excellence from me, even to the point of assuming it. So when I started struggling, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.
I knew it wasn’t healthy yet I let this atychiphobic behaviour dictate every aspect of my life. I did not take exams if I wasn’t sure I would pass the course (I ended up dropping out of school). I wouldn’t bother applying for positions if it seemed like a high-stakes opportunity. I still do not play multiplayer games or anything that comes with a timer. If I wasn’t guaranteed success upon exploration, I did not bother engaging.
And I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes either - even when I caught them in time, I’d still be furious with myself.
So for most of my adulthood, I was operating in that space where mediocrity meets comfort. If bare minimum meant that I wasn’t going to be under any pressure, I was more than happy to do just that. Because of this, I wasn’t able to truly estimate the value of my contributions.
I recall an incident where an unsolicited advise made me realise I was undervaluing myself. After stating what felt like a ridiculous rate for a gig, I got a DM telling me that I should have charged at least double the amount. This prompted to do a little research. It was the moment I realised just how little I expected from myself.
All that purposeless meandering came to a head when I decided to switch jobs. A friend of mine advised that I applied to Google even when it was well established that I wouldn’t get in. I initially hesitated but the conversation that ensued made me realise that by not creating space for failure, I took away any chances I had at success.
Since then, I have been creating space for Inadequacy. I stopped cussing myself out when solving puzzles. I overcame my fear of fallibility and started posting my articles anyway. I applied for jobs I wanted regardless of how suited I was.
Finally, I was growing. Not necessarily because I was failing, but because I was doing. I realise that my dedication to not making mistakes robbed me of the opportunity to succeed and, in cases where I failed, the clarity I needed to objectively move forward.
Recently, I found myself paralysed with the same fear. I stopped doing any learning, writing, only reserving energy for whatever ventures made me money. But whenever I look at the inactivity, I am saddened.
I hate that I have only published one article this year. I hate that I took too much of a break with my courses. I realise that the embarrassment I encounter in the face of failure is nothing compared to the regret of inactivity.
Even now, I am not exactly sure what I am doing, but not doing it feels worse. I am ready to begin again and even if I fail again, I know there is still something to gain at the end.
This is for Seyi and Allen. Thanks for making me want more for myself. ❤️
SONG OF THE MONTH: Oakland - RAC ft. Winnetka Bowling League
Thank you for writing to us again, Dolapo. This is so relatable and I hope you get all the encouragement to stay consistent. July we go again 👏🏼💪🏼
I find this so relatable. Thank you for sharing.