NOV: The 1 Dating Tip I Have
A look at the interplay of biological and psychological factors that contribute to our romantic experiences
“They gave each other a smile with a future in it.”
— Ring Lardner.
It happens a lot.
You see a person. Your brain chemistries synchronize in a way that triggers in you both the will to present yourselves as a willing and able mate. A relationship is formed. It is fueled by idealized fantasy. The thrills and cravings wane and you are left mourning the illusion of perfection you had projected onto the relationship. You see another person.
THE MENTAL STATE OF LOVE: A SCIENCE LESSON 🔬
How we approach love is odd, and there is a reason for that. You see that warm yet intense feeling you get about someone? Yes, the one that inspires a million ballads.
Well, it is the manifestation of chemical activities in your brain that seek to explore the depths of your desire. So, while it is true that the feeling is fostered primarily by an urge to mate/fuck, it is a combination of three feelings: Lust + Attraction + Attachment.
The Chemistry of Captivation
The initial stages of love are characterized by a surge of hormones contributing to the exhilarating feelings of infatuation. Dopamine, the brain's reward chemical, fuels the excitement and anticipation we experience when we're attracted to someone. Oxytocin, the "love hormone," promotes bonding, attachment, and trust, creating a sense of intimacy and connection. Phenylethylamine (PEA), a mood-enhancing compound, contributes to the euphoric and energized feelings associated with new love.
Things quickly get dark when you realize that the set of hormones that represent these feelings is the same set that is responsible for addiction. In fact, the same brain regions that light up when we’re feeling attraction light up when drug addicts take cocaine and when we binge eat sweets. Likewise, Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for bonding, is the hormone behind the feel-good effects that drugs like MDMA produce. And finally, testosterone and estrogen, the sex drive hormones, have been known to trigger the social conductions we know as mating behaviour.
From this, it is easy to see why we often display poor judgment when we’re in love. The intoxicating highs of infatuation and intense connection rest upon a fragile foundation of fantasy, susceptible to crumbling under the weight of reality. As we grow attached to our lovers, we literally become people whose desire for love takes us down the road of addiction where we go into withdrawal whenever we are starved of their presence, and experience a surge of emotions that is in many ways irrational, like jealousy and obsession.
THE CONDITIONS FOR LOVE
The prevailing definition of love characterizes it as a social service marked by expectations of who a romantic partner should be - your best friend, your most frequently texted contact, your most satisfying bedmate, your cuddle buddy, your organ donor, and many of these attachment cues are treated as non-negotiables. However, I believe that a relationship's ultimate value can be discovered early if you are sensitive to the aspects of love we focus our evaluative judgements on. It transcends being merely a mere label for a partner who serves specific functions, evolving into a profound bond where both parties contribute to each other's well-being. This means assessing traits that speak to their individualism. Unfortunately, this assessment often happens after attraction has been established.
When we set this model against the existing structure we have laid out for love today, we find that we treat the feelings of lust, attraction, and attachment as necessities…
At school, we are taught about necessity and sufficiency. Necessary conditions are events that have to occur for an outcome to be confirmed, while sufficient conditions are events that guarantee an outcome’s validity. E.g. Comprehension is a necessary condition for academic prowess, while your test scores act as a sufficient condition. When we set this model against the existing structure we have laid out for love today, we find that we treat the feelings of lust, attraction, and attachment as necessities, which sorta makes sense when you consider that these conditions are primal markers for considering a mate. And with chemical facilitators present to reinforce these feelings, it is understandable why these feelings grow into convictions.
However, in embracing our feelings as necessities, we create a blind spot for whatever evaluative judgements we make.
THE TRUE NATURE OF LOVE
Human nature plays a peculiar role in our quest for love. We possess an innate inclination to cast a warm light on those we admire. Our fondness often leads to an unconscious habit of idealizing our partners, painting them in hues brighter than reality, obscuring their complexities and imperfections. In our quest for love, we become master storytellers, weaving narratives of our partners that fit the script of our dreams, blurring the line between reality and the tales we tell ourselves.
Love, in its truest form, evolves beyond these initial feelings into a complex and nuanced narrative, where compatibility, mutual respect, and shared values come into play. It is not merely about finding someone who meets a checklist of prerequisites but discovering a fellow traveller with whom the journey becomes more profound and enriching. It's a bond where both individuals complement each other's lives and grow together, where mutual support and understanding form the cornerstone.
Understanding the intricacies of love means integrating this scientific awareness into our romantic endeavours. Acknowledge the chemistry, and revel in the initial feelings, but understand their transient nature. Instead, focus on the long-term aspects that truly sustain a partnership—compatibility, shared values, and mutual understanding.
By amalgamating the thrill of emotions with a deliberate evaluation of compatibility and shared goals, we can take responsibility for our expectations and allow the other to approach us as they are without the disadvantage of competing against a fantasy.
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PS: It is important to note that this recalibration of our perception of love isn't a dismissal of its enchantment; it's a redefinition - a call to navigate affection with greater clarity by prioritizing depth and authenticity alone, while the transient allure of lust, attraction, and attachment remains, acting as a marker for sufficiency.
Also, the irony of a chronically single, staunchly non-committal lass writing about navigating love isn't lost on me, so consider this a caveat. My words don't guarantee finding love, but they could increase your chances of finding satisfaction within it.
RECOMMENDATION OF THE MONTH: Sexploits Pod (Cumming Soon)
Bedside stories and the cultures that frame them...
A podcast that delves deep into the intricate and fascinating world of human sexuality across diverse cultures and societies. Sexploits seeks to shed light on the richness and complexity of this universal aspect of humanity, celebrating its beauty and addressing the taboos that surround it. Through enlightening interviews, captivating stories, and insightful research, it aims to foster a safe and inclusive space where listeners can explore, learn, and appreciate the diverse perspectives and experiences that shape our understanding of sex and intimacy.
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