SEP: Embracing Vulnerability
Plus a peek into the insecurity that is the life I am living now...
For once I’d like to begin my article with anything but an apology for its lateness. For months now, it’s been crickets from my end. I’m sorry.
For the past few months, I have only had enough fuel to get through the days. No more…
But as time has dragged on and life struggles to meet up, I find myself drawn more and more to the enigmatic beauty of companionship. As someone who struggles with establishing relationships of every kind, this facet of humanity is one that instils in me a longing for fellowship without the complexities that seem to always haunt it.
This is not to say that I have no friends. I am blessed with the ability to connect with just about anybody but cursed with the inability to be vulnerable with anybody who isn’t me.
As Audre Lorde says, the visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength. By that logic, all the motions I suffer — the intense jonesing for community, feelings of inadequacy, of yearning, struggle and defeat - are all side effects brought upon partly by a lack of companionship. And I know this to be true because in the rare moments when I open up (oftentimes triggered by inebriation), I feel less emotionally constipated.
In a world that often celebrates extroversion, I have learned to play the part exceptionally well. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others; I do. As a compartmentalist, I tailor certain aspects of my personality to specific environments. But my struggle lies in allowing people to see the unfiltered, unedited version of myself, flaws and all. This, I understand now, is the essence of true companionship - a vulnerability that transcends superficial interactions.
Growing up, it seemed simpler. Two people come together and enjoy each other's company. They share their thoughts and feelings, their hopes and dreams, their joys and sorrows. They support each other through thick and thin. But as an adult looking from the outside in, it strikes me as a refuge from the loneliness and isolation that can be all too consuming. It is a source of strength and support, a place where one can truly be without judgment.
However, between all of the cosiness lies a strict social contract defined by loyalty and driven by the role of each individual within the relationship (platonic, romantic, familial). This social contract entails a delicate balance of give and take, trust and openness. It's a pact that requires us to open ourselves up to the possibility of pain and disappointment, in exchange for the potential of profound connection and understanding. For those of us who have struggled with this level of vulnerability, it can feel like walking on a tightrope without a safety net.
Audre Lorde's wisdom continues to resonate, reminding me that the visibility which terrifies us, the act of revealing our innermost selves, is also the wellspring of our greatest strength. It's the paradox of human connection – that by exposing our vulnerabilities, we invite the possibility of genuine companionship, the kind that goes beyond the surface and dives deep into the core of our being.
In my own journey, I've come to realize that true companionship is not about keeping up the act. It's about finding the courage to shed those protective layers and reveal my authentic self. It's about allowing others to see my flaws, my insecurities, and my fears, knowing that in doing so, I create a space for them to do the same.
As I stand at the intersection of my longing for companionship and my fear of vulnerability, I know that I must choose courage. I must choose to embrace my flaws and insecurities in the open and to trust that the right people will love and accept me for who I am. And to those who have been doing this so far (looking at you, Chizi, Oyinda, and Tobi)… Thank you!
What’s been going on with me?
In the spirit of vulnerability…
Health
I’m good, and I mean good in the way that signals a helpless acceptance of my reality. In reality, I am tired on every level. If life is a melody, mine’s out of tune.
As is reflected in recent articles, I thought it was just a response to the social climate. But the last few months have revealed that my discomfort, although facilitated by the social climate, is hormonal. I recently got diagnosed with a condition that explained the expression of physical and emotional factors that I have been struggling with for the last 8 years as symptoms including the headaches, menstrual, and weight issues that many of you are aware of.
Trying to be vulnerable here, but this is actually as much as I am comfortable with sharing right now.
Anyway, I have begun treatment, and I have to say: it sucks. Not only is it really expensive, the side effects are really intense.
On the bright side, I have an explanation for the headaches and the shitty reality I have been battling. I only wish we had gotten here before I cut my hair.
But hey, I’m relieved now that I can justify my feelings. Now, I can forgive myself for the neverending lows. I have also seen an opportunity to dabble in medical research and I am seizing it. It helps to know what exactly is going on in my body and how these activities affect my body and behaviour.
R.I.P Mohbad
I still am unable to deal with the fact that he is gone. A part of me is hoping he faked his death to escape. He was one artist that I would often quote to anyone who cared to listen and I would even go on to argue that he was one of the few valid shepeteri poets we have around. I hate that he had to endure life despite his constant trying to escape. It hurts that he isn’t around to see that he is loved. I hate that we waited until now to stand up for him.
Incoming: A podcast
Stay tuned… ;)
I want to leave you with a quote that encapsulates the essence of this journey:
"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." – Brené Brown.
Hope you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t worry about me, I still smile every day. It’s all moving, even when it slows. I’ve realised that there is a self to recover, and am doing what I can to achieve that.
Wish me luck!
Nice to read from you again, Dolapo. Thanks for sharing and I’m glad you’re fine. Wish you well with your health situation as well. Cheers!!
Hey Dolapo,
I want to commend you for your incredible strength in sharing your vulnerabilities and challenges. Your courage is inspiring, and I believe that as you continue on this journey of self-discovery and self-recovery, you will find the strength you need to overcome any obstacle in your path.
Keep being true to yourself, embracing your flaws, and seeking companionship with an open heart. Your willingness to show vulnerability is a remarkable testament to your resilience. Remember, every step you take brings you closer to the profound connections and understanding you seek.
Stay strong, and may your journey be filled with moments of growth, joy, and self-acceptance.
Warm regards