First of all, Happy Holidays. đđđ I hope the past weeks have been good to you.
I am so sorry this monthâs article is just arriving. I want to say Iâve been busy but I have no excuse.
This year has been one for the books and as much as I donât want this to be a Year in Review, I feel like some things need to be addressed.
If you ask me, Iâd say the theme for this year was âCollective Griefâ. We all had something to mourn (albeit at varying degrees). At this point, many of us are just tired and dealing with it however we can.
I am not one to make plans so in a way, I wasnât bound by any expectations but I watched in horror as the world around me fell apart and that broke me. But for those that made plans, I can only imagine how the year has affected your sense of accomplishment. I am so sorry.
Whatever it is you are feeling is valid and I hope you are on the road to recovery. â¤ď¸
When it comes to feelings, I have always felt that every one of them is valid and one shouldnât be exalted above the other. But recently, thereâs been one I have felt is a little too negative to even be entertained. SHAME!
A few weeks ago, I was looking at pictures of me as a child when I realised that my experience with shame started long before I was old enough to bath myself. I grew up viewing my scars (eyebrow, right thumb) as deformities and I always treated them as such. I could never take a picture without having my right hand curled in a fist with all other fingers shielding my thumb. It was ugly and I was ashamed. This was the beginning of an insecurity that lasted two decades.
I could go on about how shame stuck with me through the many phases of my life - how I grew ashamed of my body and fucked it up till I landed in the ER twice, how I was ashamed of my life that I dropped out of school or how shame forced me to shed everything that reminded me of my past, including my personality.
Whenever I recall these events, I realise that insecurities are not only aided by shame but are usually preceded by it. It is hard to make an insecurity of a shameless event.
The problem with shame, in my opinion, is the tangled feeling of wretchedness, guilt, unworthiness and also the fact that we get triggered at the mere thought of exposure. Shame often results from the feeling that we have fallen short of an ideal standard. This shit creates a feeling of inadequateness that could drive us deeper into isolation, sadness and depression. We start hiding because if people knew what we are, theyâd leave.
One morning, I woke up and after hours of reminiscing, I realised that, for the first time in my life, I was shame-free. I could look into the mirror and squeal cause who tf is this baddie? I was comfortable talking about my past and not with a sombre tone but speaking matter-of-factly. I felt light, literally.
Before writing this article, I pondered on what I did that could have led to shedding the shame I had felt all my life and I realised that I had since stopped taking all the blame for the outcome of my life.
What we are today is a product of experiences and the people we have interacted with. When we internalise shame, we refuse to properly acknowledge the immense contribution of our environment in the shaping of our lives. When you look at it, you will find that the crossword that makes up your life is filled with more input from outsiders than you realise and because they are also products of interactions, it creates this societal labyrinth that unconsciously informs how we process information and how we respond to situations. It is okay to split the blame. One manâs decision could affect tens and that effect will trickle down to the hundreds around them, and so and so until it hits you.
My decision to continue starving myself at size 6 was indicative of an insecurity I had picked up from my folks which was informed by the fatphobia in the society that was reinforced by standards upheld by the media.
Iâd say in my case, I outgrew my shame which is quite normal but for many, it is not so easy and for some others, they are so repressive, they are almost unaware. Whichever it is, I think it should be something we ought to resolve. Locate the source of your shame. Stop holding yourself to infallible standards. Understand that we are all both good and bad, wise and stupid, pious and perverted. Throw away those singular ideals and you will realise that getting better at being human is more ideal than being perfect. And if your shame has to do with actions that have affected anyone negatively, please reach out to them and resolve your guilt.
I would like to point that being shame-free doesnât automatically make you proud of yourself. I am not proud of my past but you know what? I am not ashamed either. Hopefully, you get there too. â¤ď¸
Happy Holidays again! đđđ
Song of the Month: Miracle - Galantis & Bali Bandits
***
S/o to Ayo for reminding me that I am not Rihanna.
Maybe I really need to talk to someone......when I was 17 my dad tried to sex me and after he failed the kept threatening me .....now I'm 19.....and I don't want to have sex .....I don't plan to .
I was talking with a friend and she asked if I was keeping my virginity for marriage.....after thinking about it for a while I realized I don't even want to try it not even when I'm married....I've been bothered.... I need help