Hey!
Another month is behind us. I want to say so much about the many things that have happened this year, but I’ll save them (for another time perhaps).
So, I’m 25 (26 in the later days of November), currently beginning my transition from young adulthood into becoming a grown-ass adult, and I hate it. I feel like the best I can ever be (be successful) is the second-best thing I really want to be, which is finding satisfaction and happiness in doing as little work as possible. Unfortunately, my reality may never accommodate that.
So yeah, that leaves me here - in my room alone, using the little energy I have left (after pursuing success) to write the things I want to talk about, but that’s by the way…
This month, I want to write about loneliness. This is something I deal with a lot. I think it is because of how much time I spend in solitude. Growing up, I was conditioned to that life. I spent a large part of my childhood witnessing the world from within; so much that even when I was made to live in a communal environment, where the closest space to home did not afford me the luxury of solitude, I still experienced the world as a spectator.
Now, this is not to say that I do not appreciate solitude. If I am honest, I love it so much. There is a refreshing freedom to it. Solitude creates a space for self-exploration that is free of external influence. It offers me clarity and fuels my creativity. It gives me the time and space to be a better me. But there is this innate extroverted side of me that I need to fuel often.
On the other side of this coin lies loneliness. Solitude needs intention and activity to be favourable, but then there’s the possibility that loneliness creeps in; almost like a side effect.
I kept looking for a relatable definition for this feeling; all I could find felt inadequate (I am forced to say useless). So, I decided to use the one that logically describes how it feels.
Loneliness • noun
/ˈləʊn.li.nəs/
A self-sympathetic response to feelings of isolation, often accompanied with a sense of rejection, and associated with a loss of connection and belonging.Source: Ifedolapo Oseni.
When we feel lonely, we indirectly grieve the loss (or lack of) connection to a space or relationship that necessitates our mental well-being. At the heart of this feeling is a yearning for connection. Because who we are is an amalgamation of experiences influenced by self and the community in which we operate within, there is a need to nurture our relationship with the world to feel whole. It’s why ratio stings and shunning or exiling people produces devastating consequences. It’s also why we get concerned when our loved ones begin to withdraw. We recognise how much our connections help in defining who we are.
It enrages me that many materials regard loneliness as an isolation problem, but it is in fact a connection problem. Cause if it was purely isolation, social contact would take of it. Instead, they provide an opportunity to create and foster relationships. The interactions are necessary to foster relationships, but they are not sufficient. In fact, loneliness when exposed to a social environment invokes a feeling of insecurity. And even worse is the fact that certain realities make it almost impossible for connection to happen in certain facets.
It is normal to feel ashamed of your loneliness. It points to social ineptitude, which causes you to spiral deeper and deeper away from the connection that you need to heal.
You feel abandoned. The world left you behind, forcing you to deal with your problems on your own. Soon enough, you start believing that you are the problem; maybe you are unlikeable. It would make sense since you are the common denominator, but it doesn’t work that way. Relationships aren’t so linear. Many reasons and circumstances determine the degree to which they are formed.
I have always believed connection to self is necessary to establish a connection to the world without. In dealing with loneliness, there is a need to redefine what connections mean to you as a social animal. This presents an opportunity to recentre your worth in the web of connections that you weave with the world1. Build meaningful relationships in a way and pace that is comfortable and natural to you.
This will not be possible if you don’t take the time to connect with yourself and acknowledge your worth. Do what you love and explore the limits of your humanity.
Not only would this help you see the value you can offer to the world, but it would also reveal the truth that eludes you, that you, as an entity, are enough!
SONG OF THE MONTH: Dance To This ft. Ariana Grande - Troye Sivan.
https://www.womansday.com/health-fitness/a25783805/dealing-with-loneliness/
I wrote a long ass read and then it got deleted when I switched apps. 🤦🏿♂️ so this is me retyping and saying thank you for channeling my inner thoughts on loneliness and the dichotomy between being alone and being lonely. I personally have a thing for solitude. I enjoy being in my space. I like how my space feels when it’s just me. But once a while I wouldn’t mind sharing that space even if it’s to take a break from life. But the thing is when you’re used to being alone, loneliness can easily become that second cousin that you tolerate but never like. And getting out of your own way can be nerve wrecking. I struggle to make connections outside my solitude so much so I often rely on social media for the connections. And some might say “just go out and touch the grass” but trust me, when you’ve been alone for as long as some of us, doing that is not easy.
But that’s by the way sha. Thank you for this again. You hit the nail on the head. Got me a little teary too. Hoping anyone that feels lonely finds some solace eventually. Never stop writing!
Really love this and the audio is everything